Seek the Goodness

Today I turned on CNN to watch the coverage of the Boston Marathon bombers and was immediately sucked in for two hours of horrifying coverage.  I kept thinking to myself, “Why doesn’t this reporter get out of there?  Doesn’t she know she is in danger?”  And then I finally thought to myself, “Why am I watching this?  What on earth could I possibly be hoping to see?”  I turned off the tv and grabbed my yoga mat and headed to class.  It was a hard class, as usual.  I was sweating more than usual.  I was doing more than usual.  And not until I was in downward facing down and saw the women on either side of me drop to their knees to child’s pose did I realize that I was REALLY doing it.  I was getting strong.  I had consciously made a choice to walk away from something that was making me feel awful and walk towards something that I knew would make me feel better.  I actually said to myself, “You are doing this!  Look how strong you have gotten!  YOU are making the right choices for yourself!”  And then we moved into warrior and triangle and finally into corpse pose...and my dear, wonderful, amazing teacher and friend placed a hot lavender infused towel over my eyes and I instinctively smiled.  She grabbed my head and squeezed and I could not stop the tears from coming.  I took deep breaths and tried to stop them.  I shifted my thoughts and tried to stop them.  I held back just enough to be able to finish class with a “Namaste” and I immediately ran to the bathroom and burst into sobs.  I had no idea what was going on.  I pulled myself together and went to my close friend who was in the class with me and told her I had just burst into tears and didn’t know why.  I explained to her that I had been upset watching the news and in the past that would have led me to eat, but instead I came to yoga because I knew it would make me feel better.  I said, “I think I am proud of myself.”  And then I shrugged it off and said “I am not a crier.”  And she (wise, dear friend) said, “You used to be an eater and maybe now you are a crier.”  And she hugged me and I knew she was exactly right.  I have always pushed feelings down with food.  I have been afraid to feel.  Today I felt it all.  I felt the love of beautiful women coming together in a room in the hopes to feel better when they left.  I felt the words and hug of a wonderful friend.  And I felt my yoga teacher, my self-prescribed guru, wrap her arms around me and tell me that I had found an emotional release and that she was so very proud of me.  After all the evil I watched in the news this morning, I saw so much goodness in that place.  Has the goodness always been there?  Is this what I have been missing out on for so long?  Well, no more.  I promise to always try to seek the goodness.  Today, I succeeded in doing just that.