It's funny how healing sneaks up on you.  One day you are sitting in your therapist's office talking through your eating disorder behaviors and then months pass and you start flipping through pictures on your phone and notice a pattern that was forming without you even realizing it.

You notice a genuine laugh captured in a selfie with your husband and son.

You see a level of peace on your face that you once thought was unattainable.

You marvel at the ease with which you walked for a charity close to your heart with friends who are just as close.

You laugh out loud at the ridiculousness of this picture in the middle of the Color Walk and then almost cry because you love how perfectly it captures your friendship and how lucky you are to have such a friend..

And your heart is so happy when your sweet friend sends you this picture after you have rushed the stage at the Darrius Rucker concert because you feel pretty and you just want to dance!

And you exhale deeply because you find this quote that you saved months ago hoping it would one day make sense...and all of a sudden it does.

Healing is a funny thing.  It's a bit like growing up...you don't see it while it's happening to you, but it is happening nonetheless.

​Now that it has happened, I can see it so clearly.  I can feel it in my bones.  I have settled in.  I have waved the white flag on the war against myself.  I have become...me.

​The transition of one year to the next is one that has always been difficult for me. So many past New Year’s Eve celebrations were shrouded in the gloom of the upcoming diet I was terrified to begin the next day. So many January’s were full of disappointment, anxiety and shame.  So much unease lived within me as I did what society deemed the right thing to do, all the while ignoring the whispers from my heart telling me how very wrong it was.

I swore off New Year's resolutions years ago. Instead of restrictions and deadlines with unattainable goals, I will gracefully step into 2018 with a heart centered plan to do what is right for me...what I know in my soul will soothe and comfort and support my beliefs and aspirations.

In my classes, I often talk about scared space and how important it is for each of us to have sacred spaces, both physically and emotionally.  While setting my intentions for 2018, I asked myself several questions posed by Rachel Brathen in her podcast From the Heart - Conversations with Yoga Girl.

What were my challenges in 2017?
Where is there space for me to heal, evolve and grow?
How can I make space for what I need in my life?
What do I want more of in my life in 2018?
How do I want to walk through life?
And my favorite...how much love can you pour your own way?

The difference between intention setting and making resolutions, to me, is that the intentions you set layout the groundwork for how you want to life your life while resolutions are typically short term goals that are often body centered or derived from a place where you think you are not good enough as you are and must change in some way to move forward.  Intention setting is very personal and is much deeper work while resolutions are often superficial and fleeting.

I am sharing the intentions I have set for myself, in the hopes that it might inspire you to create your own version of peace in the New Year.  The important thing to remember is...there is no right or wrong way...there is only your way.  

Take a few moments to close your eyes, quiet your breath, and inquire within.  Forget what the world is screaming at you to do and listen to your heart.  You can never go wrong when you follow where it is leading you.

MY 2018 INTENTIONS

BODY
Space to Move Joyfully
I will move my body to celebrate what it can do, not to punish it for what I ate or try to change it in any way.  I will joyfully embrace what my body allows.

Space to Nourish
I will eat real food, most of the time.  I will fuel myself with whole foods, but joyfully accept the celebratory slice of birthday cake!

MIND
Space to Breathe
I will meditate, most days.  I will take time to breathe and recognize that this replenishes me.

Space to Feel
I will reflect on my feelings through journaling and allow them to surface so that I may heal and move forward seeking joy.

SOUL
Space to Give and Receive
I will be of service to my community.  I will also allow myself to be supported when I am the one in need.

Space to Create
I will use artistic expression as a form of emotional release.
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And finally, I will give myself the gift of time.  January will be spent as a time of restoration for me...mind, body and soul.  I will limit my time on social media (therefore limiting my exposure to the "New Year New You" advertising and the shameful posts of resolutions broken).  I will not teach yoga this month so that I can be the student as I participate in a 30 day home yoga challenge.  And, most importantly, I will set the stage for the rest of my year, quietly stepping into the 2018 I am envisioning...one of quiet and peace and belonging and joy.


​Happy New Year to each and every one of you!
May your 2018 be exactly as you intend it to be.

​Namasté.

Dear Girl in the Bathroom Stall Beside Me,

It took me a minute to figure out what was going on.  I heard the coughing when I came in, then met you at the sink as you wiped your tears and blew your nose.  I didn't want to assume I knew your pain, but I saw it in your eyes reflecting in the mirror.  And as quickly as I put the puzzle pieces together, you had taken a deep breath and walked out the door.

I washed my hands as my heart sank and walked out to see you leaving the restaurant.  I hesitated just long enough to miss you.  Did I fail you?  Am I the only person who knows your secret?  Was there anything I could have said in that moment that would have helped you?

So what I want to say now, to you and anyone else who will listen, is this:

You are chaos and heartache and stormy seas.
You are light and love and stardust.
You are what this world needs more of.
You are raw, honest, gut-wrenching emotion.
You are laughter and effervescence.
You are remarkable and needed and loved and worthy of taking up space.
You are whole, in this moment, exactly as you are.

How do I know this?  Because in that reflection of your eyes I could see my own - my eyes from not too long ago, black with the darkness within.  I know because you are me and I am you.  And should I ever have the chance to meet you again, I would wrap you in my arms and whisper in your ear:

You are enough.
You are enough.
You are enough.
And so am I.

Until then, I am sending love your way,
​Britt

I am a person who loves quotes.  I love it when someone else's words seem as if they have come from my own heart.  There is a sense of connectedness with the author that takes place...a sense of belonging, of being understood.  And isn't that what we all want?  To be heard and have someone respond, "Me too!"

"Bloom where you are planted."  These words may mean one thing to you and another to the person across the room, but to me these words are a reminder to just be me...in this moment...exactly as I am.

I spent a lot of time and energy trying to force myself into the rigid mold of perfectionism.  Recovery from my eating disorder taught me that perfectionism is a cage and what I really needed was to fly freely.  So many things I learned in recovery are worth repeating.  They are life lessons that we all need to be aware of, but most importantly, need to give ourselves permission to follow.  As women, we find ourselves pulled into chaos way too often.  Whether it is the unrealistic to-do list or the drama of our child's playdate or the anxiety we have over work or an upcoming event, we allow ourselves to be drawn into a place of self doubt and, quite frankly, self-inflicted torture.  In this frantic world we live in, it is crucial that we pause and take time to reevaluate what is truly important.

When I started this blog over five years ago, my goal was simple.  I wanted to see if I could help just one person struggling with an eating disorder.  I thought that if I could, my eating disorder would have served a greater purpose.  I have grown and changed so much over these five years and now my mission has shifted too.  I will always hold a special place in my heart for those struggling with food and body image issues, but my focus now is on helping all women come home to themselves.  I want women to know and truly believe that they can not only be happy in their own skin, but that they can find calm amidst the chaos.  Living authentically is the key.  Yoga and meditation are the path.

My yoga classes have had a life of their own. Fresh out of yoga teacher training, I was on a mission to prove that I could do it all (perfectionism had tried to rear its ugly head!).  Eventually I learned to teach what I crave and that has made all the difference.  Yoga and meditation are therapy for me.  So that is what I teach.  I teach therapeutic yoga and meditation for healing of the mind, body and spirit.  I wholeheartedly believe that yoga is the path to finding peace within ourselves.  My goal is to provide my students space to bloom in my classes.  My monthly Art of Yoga classes at the Marathon Center for the Performing Arts have evolved too.  What started as an exploration of the concept of yoga as an art form, has led to a class that I hold near and dear to my heart.  The Art of Yoga is the art of coming home to yourself...the art of healing mind, body and spirit.  The art of yoga is the art of living.

Come explore The Art of Yoga with me on Wednesday, September 27, 2017 from 10am to 11:30am at the Marathon Center for the Performing Arts in the Fisher/Wall Art Gallery.  We will practice gentle and restorative yoga, meditate and end class with a deep relaxation.

To my past, current and future students,

I hope you to learn to live with ease.
I hope you give yourself some grace.
I hope you connect to your breath.
I hope you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be.
I hope you heal your hurting heart.
I hope you seek joy.
I hope you speak your truth.
I hope you nourish your body.
I hope you find stillness.
I hope you come home to yourself.
I hope you bloom where you are planted.

love and light,
Britt
xo

Somewhere along the way I lost myself. Through glasses tainted with the judgements of those around me, I viewed life as I thought I should rather than how it came naturally to me.   I lived my life in shackles, completely unaware that I was the one who held the key.

It is nearly impossible to explain what living with an eating disorder feels like to someone who hasn’t lived it themselves, but I will do my best to try.

I have lived a large portion of my life underwater.  It is the easiest way for me to describe existing as a highly sensitive person with an eating disorder and anxiety.  I became so consumed with the banter inside my head that those internal conversations caused me to miss the real life that was happening right in front of me.  Underwater, you can hear the voices, but what they are saying remains unclear.

The words were tangled up inside of me.  There was a blur that made it impossible to recognize where one thought ended and the other began; this kind of confusion is headache inducing.  The lump in my throat seemed to be connected to my clarity…as long as the tears didn’t release, neither did the fears.  Underwater, the anger builds, the resentment multiplies and the tricks the mind plays on itself become increasingly more clever.  I was drowning in a stream of consciousness.

Underwater, thoughts become hazy as your focus becomes sharp upon the fact that you cannot breathe.  All you can think of is an escape.  You would do almost anything to avoid this panic.  Everything spins out of control.

Panic only exacerbates the situation…stirring up silt and making it even harder to tell up from down.  The best course of action is to let go and allow the sea to take over…floating you to the surface.  But in the midst of such panic, fear grips you.  You are so scared that you will never find air, that you push yourself deeper.  You selfishly believe that you are the one controlling the outcome.


July 26, 2012

I am sitting in an old wing chair in a warm room, curtains drawn for privacy and to keep the heat at bay.  My heart is beating so nervously that I am certain the pulsing of my temples must be visible.  Am I getting enough oxygen?  Am I breathing?  The edges of my vision start to blur.  I think I’m going to faint.  How long have I been in here?  Surely it’s been an hour by now.  Just a little while longer and this will all be over…

The woman sitting across from me is a matter-of-fact, no-nonsense therapist that I found online.  Did I hear her correctly?  Did she just say I have an eating disorder?  Binge Eating Disorder?  Generalized Anxiety Disorder?  These are medical terms…actual diagnoses for someone who is really sick.  She must not know what she is talking about.  I just need someone to tell me what to do…teach me how to control myself.  If she would just give me a plan to follow, I can knock this off my list of things to do and move on.

She seems nice though…and genuinely concerned for my wellbeing.  She isn’t judging me and this is the first person I have been completely honest with about my eating habits and thoughts about my body.  She acted like she wasn’t surprised when I told her everything.  Am I not the only person who acts like this?  Is she just being nice or does she really understand me?

She wants me to come back every week.  Take it step by step.  I wonder when I will be done.  I need an end date - a graduation from all of this.  It doesn’t sound pretty.  She said something about blind weigh-ins and getting rid of my scale at home and journaling.  Whatever.

She wants me to track my food, so I will be the perfect patient and eat exactly what I know I “should” eat for the next week.  I promised to be 100% honest with her so no drive-thrus anytime soon.  I need to nail this.


Recovery begins with the first gasp of fresh air.  When you decide you are worth saving.  When you stop trying to control and start trusting.  As you catch your breath, your vision clears and you begin to see your true self.  The you that may have remained hidden for all of your life, the you that you were meant to be and perhaps have never met before.

An eating disorder does so many things to a soul, but the greatest harm it causes is its ability to make you doubt yourself at every turn.  The cruelest joke of all is that the eating disorder makes you doubt your recovery.  Even as you bravely tread water, that sneaky ED slithers in and plants seeds of doubt that cause you to question your own ability to swim.

It was not until recently that I began to see clearly without my protective goggles on.  Recovery does not mean smooth sailing and sunny skies every day.  Recovery means floating along on a calm day and being able to traverse the stormy seas just as easily.

The greatest lesson I have learned is that I have nothing to prove.  I have spent my whole life trying to prove I am enough.  I was the perfect child, the perfect student, the perfect friend and wife and mom.  I worked for companies I didn't believe in and followed diets I knew wouldn’t work.  I wanted to be smart enough, rich enough, skinny enough.  But what I now know that I really wanted was to be loved.  Not to be doted upon or put on a pedestal, but to be loved…flaws and all.  To be loved for just being me.  


July 26, 2017

I am sitting at my computer breathing deeply and noticing all the beauty around me.  My dog is asleep at my feet, my son practicing his trumpet in the next room.  The sun is shining on my dining room floor at the perfect angle to highlight the gorgeous color of the wood.

I am at ease.  I am in a place in space and time that I never truly believed in five years ago.  After living the majority of my life in fear (of food, of exercise, of what people thought of me, of life), I had come to believe that this was just the way it would be for me.  I did not believe that peace existed and freedom from food and body image issues was an attainable goal.

5 years ago today, I sat slumped in a chair in my therapist's office trying not to take up space, panicked by the reality of my eating disorder and certain I would fail at recovery.   It has been a difficult road with many twists and turns along the way, but every moment has led me to now.  And I’ll tell you a secret…”now” is where peace lives.

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Today I am recovered and living my life to its fullest.  So if today is your Day 1 and you don't think you can beat this, listen to me when I tell you...the voice saying "you can't" isn't actually your voice at all...that's ED.  And he's a liar!

The work you think you need to do to “fix” the problem of your eating disorder will not be anything like you think it will be.  There is no problem to be fixed.  There is only the real you to be discovered.  And I promise you…she is extraordinary.

Today, when I look in the mirror, I see the girl within.  I see the real me.  I don’t see gray hairs or laugh lines or cheeks fuller than they used to be.  To me, this is an accomplishment worth its weight in gold.  I spent so many years studying the flaws in my reflection…picking myself apart…bullying the one person who deserved my love more than anyone.

It turns out that the matter-of-fact, no-nonsense therapist that I found online really does know what she is talking about.  In fact, she is one of the kindest, gentlest souls I have ever known.  We have been through so much together these five years.  She knows me inside and out.  It wasn’t long ago that I sat in her office and made the realization that everyone that I truly care about does love me for who I am and she asked a simple question…”when are you going to join them at the table?”

So here I sit, at this small but cozy table so full of love and belonging.  This is what recovery looks like…to me.  But what is most important is what recovery feels like…it feels like coming home to a place you have never known but have always been homesick for…it feels like finally becoming me.

My heart and the sea seem to somehow be connected. I think one reason I love to travel is that the wanderlust in my soul craves finding a spot on the map that feels like coming home.

This morning I sat in a beach chair staring at the ocean and said to my husband and son, "I am certain that when I die, Heaven will be me sitting in a beach chair on this beach staring at this ocean." It is, quite simply, my favorite place on earth.

The mountains of Virginia still make my heart skip a beat and will always be my original home. But even as I grew up there, trips to the beaches of North Carolina were frequent. It is where we vacationed as a family and where I learned that the sea heals my soul.

Two years ago, I traveled to Tulum, Mexico for the first time. Although I had never been there before, it was as if I had been homesick for this place my whole life. I remember telling my best friend that it was a feeling that was hard to explain, but it felt like coming home.

To me, nature is God's church. I have never felt as spiritually connected in a sanctuary as I do staring at vast open water. It's as if I settle into myself in a way that quiets me to the bone. In this silence, I feel connected. I feel most like me. I can truly let the sea carry my troubles away.

Last weekend I heard a master yogi speak. He had so much wisdom, but one closing remark he made has been looping in my mind like a song on repeat:

"If you give your burdens to God, God will take them away. If you give your burdens to Guru, Guru will take them away. But the point is, you must give your burdens away!" - Yogi Amrit Desai

So whether it is the sea, the mountains, the altar or the yoga mat, find the place where you come home to yourself. Settle into the stillness and give your burdens away!

It isn’t even December yet and the talk of holiday weight gain and New Year’s resolutions to lose those extra pounds has already begun.  It is my least favorite part of the holiday season.  Social media, advertisers and brainwashed friends alike spread the message of guilt and fear and self loathing like it is completely normal to belittle ourselves and proclaim out loud that we are not enough.  There are some people who simply get an eye roll from me when I hear a passing remark, but there are others who bring me to tears.  I spent so many years feeling like the holidays were merely an excuse to be off my diet until January 1st.  I frantically ate myself through family get togethers, all the while worried sick about what it would take to undo it all in the New Year.  It is a horrible way to live.  Even for those without eating disorders, disordered eating or eating with fear is no way to celebrate what you are thankful for and what you wish for the upcoming year.

I have a crazy idea.  You will think I have completely lost my mind, but please read on just a little further.

What if we loved ourselves enough to nourish our bodies as well as our minds and our spirits.

What if we had that piece of pie and were fully present while we savored each bite and soaked in the giggles in the background.

What if we listened to what the people around us were saying rather than checking our FitBit.

What if we went for a walk because the sun was shining and there was someone whose hand we were longing to hold and not because we felt like we had to work off that meal.

What if we marked an hour each day on our calendar to practice self care.

What if we began forming habits that we could carry throughout our lives rather than looking for the shortcut to get us through the next six weeks.

What if we looked in the mirror and smiled at the person looking back at us.

What if we were kind to ourselves and said sweet things and cherished every moment with loved ones.

What if we stopped listening to the ads and the messages and started realizing that we are not imperfect beings who need to be fixed, but that we are perfect because of our imperfections!

What if we spoke our truth and applauded others for doing the same.

What if you were you and I was me and that was what was meant to be.

The words “Dream Big” serve as the dedication to her children in my sister’s book. I don’t know how many times I have told her what an inspiration she is. I have told her what a wonderful message it is for her children and all of the other young people who will read her words, but, until now, I didn't realize that she was also inspiring me.

I have never been a dreamer. I am a planner, an organizer, a realist. I have always had a sensible goal in mind. In Jenni Schaefer’s book Life Without Ed, she asks the following question: “What is your vision of freedom from Ed [eating disorder]?” In July of 2013, I couldn’t answer this question. The page in the book remains blank even today. I realistically knew that freedom from my eating disorder would free up my life and leave me with time to follow my dreams, but there was a problem...I had no idea what my dreams were.

I thought of the wise question “Where does your mind go when it wanders?” As I child, it was always dance. I had dreamt of being a dancer. I had choreographed every song that played on the radio and rehearsed for countless hours in my childhood bedroom. But for a long time, my mind has only wandered to a place of self-doubt and it is hard for any dreams to grow in a dark place like that.

When I couldn’t answer the big question of what my life would be like after recovery, I started with a small step I could focus on. I wanted to help one person. I thought if I could help one person struggling with an eating disorder or body image issues that my recovery would have a sense of greater meaning. This gave me the inspiration to organize an event in our small town. While preparing for the event, I decided to launch my blog and website (www.ohhowsheblooms.com). I quickly realized that I had already helped more than one person. So the next logical question was...what now? Again, I had no answer...no dream.

In February of 2014, I had a conversation about yoga teacher training with my yoga teacher and dear friend, Laura of Abi Yoga. I hesitantly said that maybe it would be a cool thing to accomplish one day...a dream. She told me how she believed in me and knew it was something I could accomplish. My eyes filled with tears and I remember saying, “I don’t think I have ever let myself dream that big.” What was holding me back? I had let my old thought patterns convince me that this wasn’t even a possibility for me. I had allowed the eating disorder to squash yet another dream and I hadn’t even seen it happening.

As I thought all of this over, this quote by Marianne Williamson came to mind: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” It is one of my favorite and least favorite quotes at the same time. Its raw truth terrifies me because it speaks directly to me. Fear of failure has always held me back. I decided it was time for my dreams to cast a shadow over my fears and I began researching yoga teacher training programs.

Yesterday, I graduated from Bhumi's Yoga and today I can officially call myself a 200 hour registered yoga teacher.  My head is still spinning from the weekend, but the thought that keeps replaying over and over in my mind is "YOU did this!"  Yoga teacher training is the first thing I have ever done solely because I wanted to do it.  No one suggested it to me.  No one hinted that I should give it a try.  It was a calling from my soul.  And yesterday, as I sat meditating, gazing into my own eyes in a mirror perched in front of me, I couldn't help but smile.

So my dream now is this: to be powerful beyond measure! Not in a greedy-power-kind-of-way, but in a saving-myself-while-saving-others-kind-of-way. If I ask myself where my mind goes when it wanders now, I see yoga and smiling faces and hugs and healing. And, for the first time in my life, I believe that these dreams will all come true.

It is hard to put into words what my best friend Laura has meant to me.  The moving van has arrived and tomorrow she will set off on a new adventure.  I could write a novel describing the impact her presence has had on my life.  So to spare you all that diatribe, I have condensed her gifts into a list of the top ten.

Sweet friend, the words "thank you" will never be enough.

10.  Yoga
As my teacher, she has taught me the peace you can find through yoga, the connection to your body, the calming of your mind and the opening of your heart.  She has opened an entire new world to me that begins on my mat.

9.  Community
As my friend, she has introduced me to the community of yoga and the joy to be found living to your fullest among these people.  These spirits lift you up, free of judgment.  They become your tribe and, for that, you are grateful.

8.  Confidence
There are periods of my life where this is little photographic evidence that I existed.  I avoided pictures at all costs.  So for me to be photographed in yoga clothes with no makeup on and sweaty hair AND to see myself as beautiful...well that is no small feat.

7.  Adventure
If years ago a fortune teller had told me I would travel to the jungles of Mexico for a yoga retreat on the beach with my Venezuelan best friend when I was 42, I would have laughed in her face and demanded to have my money returned.  But last year, that very thing happened and it was an adventure that forever changed my life.

6.  Culinary Culture
And by culture, I mean Spanish Wine and Tequila!

5.  Arts Appreciation
My dear friend Connie and I had the pleasure of taking Laura to her first concert right before she gained her American citizenship.  We felt it was a rite of passage.  We suffered through the view.

4.  Soul Bliss
Without Laura, Soul Bliss would have never been born.  Upon returning from our retreat last year, our wheels started turning and Soul Bliss was the result of many brainstorming sessions.  We both feel called to teach others the same joy we feel through yoga.  

3.  Yoga Teacher Training
Laura gave me the strength to become a yoga teacher myself.  She has encouraged me to attend workshops with her and expand my knowledge of yoga.  This is a picture of us recently attending the Jason Crandell Workshop in Columbus.  I know our days of sweating on our mats side by side have only just begun.

2.  Family
A best friend for my son, a Goddaughter, and a Soul Sister.  There is really just nothing else to say.

1.  Me
Of all of these gifts and the many others my best friend has given to me, the greatest is an unconditional love that allows me to be myself fully...flaws and all.  She is quiet when I need to vent and ready to give advice when I need guidance.  She understands my meaning without me uttering a word.  She has my trust, she has my back, she has my heart and I love her very, very much.